Tag: Counseling

Understanding the Reward System in Relationships

Sep 05, 2024

By Dr. Dace Tapley, DBH, MBA, LPC, NCC

When two people meet who are attracted to each other, they trigger the neurotransmitter Oxytocin which stimulates pleasure in the brain to motivate continued pursuit. Oxytocin is responsible for what is often labeled as love and described by a series of physiologic behaviors and thoughts known as love bombing. It also causes a phenomena known as rose colored glasses or love is blind. During this six to 18 months of Oxytocin influence, we are operating in a honeymoon state where we are 100% focused on 80% of their good qualities while concurrently oblivious to the 20% qualities they don’t have or we wouldn’t like. During this time, in todays hookup culture, we are also engaging in early relationship touch (such as sex or making out) which also stimulates Dopamine and Endorphins, both of which stimulate the pleasure pathways and contribute to our state of love is blind or rose colored glasses. This can make it extremely difficult to be able to authentically get to know someone as we are inclined to listen more than than what and what we are watching is directed towards aspects of the other person that continues to stimulate the reward system in our brain. This is a bidirectional interaction. Oxytocin is an important part of the pair bonding process however due to early childhood experiences and/or inner child damage, it can be much easier to stimulate oxytocin in most individuals than it should be.  

As we bask in the euphoria of the honeymoon phase, it’s crucial to remember that this period, while beautiful, is not a true reflection of our partner or the relationship. The rose-tinted glasses that oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins provide can make us overlook potential red flags or areas of concern. This is where conscious effort and mindfulness come into play.

It’s essential to strive for a balance between enjoying the blissful early stages of a relationship and taking the time to genuinely know the other person. This doesn’t mean being overly critical or skeptical, but rather being aware of the chemical influences at play and making a conscious effort to see your partner as they are.

One way to do this is by engaging in deep, meaningful conversations that go beyond surface-level topics. Ask about their values, dreams, fears, and past experiences. Pay attention to how they respond, not just to the content of their answers, but also to their body language and tone. This can provide valuable insights into their personality and how they might behave in various situations.

Another strategy is to spend time with your partner in different settings and observe how they interact with others. This can give you a broader perspective on their behavior and help you see whether their actions align with the image you have of them during the honeymoon phase.

It’s also important to remember that everyone has flaws and areas for improvement. No one is perfect, and expecting your partner to be so can set you up for disappointment. Instead, focus on the qualities you admire in them and accept the rest as part of who they are.

In conclusion, while the honeymoon phase is a wonderful part of any relationship, it’s crucial not to get lost in it. By being mindful of the chemicals influencing your perception and making a conscious effort to get to know your partner, you can build a strong, lasting bond based on authenticity and mutual respect.

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Six Steps to becoming Successful in Life

By Dr. Dace Tapley, DBH, MBA, LPC, NCC

The six steps to making sustainable change in life

1: Personal responsibility

2: Fill your cup first

3: Only compete with yesterday’s version of you

4: Seek solutions not band-aids to deal with your problems

5: Always seek a silver lining or purpose in every situation you are in

6: Failures are a necessary step to success, don’t discount them or avoid them. 

Integrating these six steps into your life can indeed pave the way for sustainable change. But how exactly do we go about doing this? Here are some practical insights to help you get started.

First, let’s delve into personal responsibility. This crucial step is about taking ownership of your actions, reactions, and the trajectory of your life. It means acknowledging that you are the primary architect of your existence and that your happiness, success, and well-being are primarily your responsibility.

Practically, this could mean setting clear boundaries in your relationships, being accountable for your mistakes instead of blaming others, and proactively working towards your goals. Remember, personal responsibility is not about self-blame or beating yourself up when things go wrong. It’s about empowering yourself to make things right and to learn and grow from every experience.

Next, filling your cup first. This is about prioritizing self-care and ensuring that your needs are met before you attend to those of others. It’s not about being selfish but rather understanding that you can’t pour from an empty cup.

In practical terms, this could mean setting aside time each day for activities that rejuvenate you, saying no to demands on your time and energy that leave you feeling depleted, and seeking help and support when you need it.

When it comes to competing only with yesterday’s version of yourself, this is about focusing on personal growth and progress rather than comparing yourself to others. It’s about recognizing that everyone has their own journey and that the only person you have control over is yourself.

To apply this step in your life, try setting personal goals and tracking your progress over time. Celebrate your wins, no matter how small, and use setbacks as opportunities to learn and improve. Remember, the goal is not perfection but progress.

Seeking solutions instead of band-aids means addressing the root cause of your problems instead of just treating the symptoms. It’s about taking a holistic approach to problem-solving and understanding that lasting change requires addressing underlying issues.

In practice, this could mean investing time in understanding the root cause of a persistent issue, seeking professional help when needed, and being willing to try new strategies and approaches.

Finding a silver lining or purpose in every situation is about cultivating a resilient mindset and understanding that every experience, no matter how challenging, offers an opportunity for growth and learning. It’s about looking for the lessons and blessings hidden within adversity.

To apply this step, try practicing gratitude daily, focusing on the positive aspects of challenging situations, and seeking out the lessons and wisdom that can be gained from difficult experiences.

Finally, embracing failures as a necessary step to success. This is about understanding that failure is not a final destination but a stepping stone on the path to success. It’s about having the courage to take risks, learn from mistakes, and keep moving forward.

In practice, this could mean adopting a growth mindset, seeking feedback and learning from it, and being willing to step outside your comfort zone. Remember, every failure brings you one step closer to success.

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Understanding Anxiety at its Core

By Dr. Dace Tapley, DBH, MBA, LPC, NCC

When we dive deep into anxiety, it can be sourced from either a lack of confidence in a situation or activity and/or a hyper-fixation on elements outside of one’s control. When we understand these two sources of anxiety, we can then begin to resolve the source of anxiety as well as the maladaptive behaviors that reinforce the behavior. 

Confidence-based anxiety is the awkward or destructive feeling one gets when engaging in a situation or activity that we do not feel we are capable of handling. This could be a new job, new social situation, or new hobby or activity. People often articulate feeling a sense of imposter syndrome as they see others managing these aspects easily and begin to question themselves and their ability through comparison. 

Control-based anxiety is one ruminates or obsesses on a stress or a stimuli outside of their control to a point of feeling debilitated or paralyzed to take any action on the things or elements within their control. The things or elements inside of their control go untouched leading the person to feel a sense of regret, shame and guilt for not getting what was within their capability completed. This cycle continues as it destroys their self-worth and creates a sense of helplessness. 

Now that we have a good understanding of the two sources of anxiety, let’s explore some ways to address and overcome them. For confidence-based anxiety, the key lies in building your self-assurance and developing a growth mindset. It’s important to remember that it’s okay not to be an expert right away and that every skill can be improved over time. 

Here are some strategies you can use: 

1. Challenge negative self-talk. When you notice thoughts like “I can’t do this” or “I’m not good enough,” consciously replace them with positive affirmations, such as “I’m learning” or “I’m capable of growth.” 

2. Set realistic goals. Break down larger tasks into smaller, manageable steps, and celebrate your progress along the way. This will help you gradually build confidence in your abilities. 

3. Seek support and guidance. Don’t hesitate to ask for help or advice from others who have experience in the area you’re struggling with. A mentor or coach can provide valuable insights and encouragement. 

For control-based anxiety, the solution is learning to let go of the things you cannot control and focusing on what you can influence. Here are some techniques to help you do so: 

1. Practice mindfulness and acceptance. Recognize when you’re fixating on uncontrollable factors and gently redirect your attention to the present moment. Remind yourself that it’s okay not to have control over everything. 

2. Develop a routines and priorities. By establishing a clear structure for your day and focusing on your top priorities, you’ll be better equipped to handle unexpected challenges and stressors. 

3. Cultivate resilience. Embrace the fact that setbacks and failures are a natural part of life. Learn from your experiences and use them to become stronger and more adaptable. 

By understanding and addressing the roots of anxiety, you can break free from the cycle of fear and self-doubt. By focusing on building confidence and letting go of external pressures, you can cultivate a more balanced, resilient mindset. With consistent practice and dedication, you’ll be well on your way to living a more fulfilling and anxiety-free life.

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