Author: drwhitetiger

The Victim, the Villain and the Hero

Dr. Dace Tapley, DBH, MBA, LPC, NCC

Breaking Free: Understanding the Victim, Villain, and Hero Roles in the Trauma Cycle

Trauma can shape us in ways we rarely realize, pulling us into roles we never consciously choose. Often, without knowing it, people find themselves in one of three common roles within the trauma cycle: the victim, the villain, or the hero. These roles offer temporary ways to cope with emotional pain, but they can also keep us stuck, preventing real healing and growth. Understanding these roles can help us break free from the cycle of trauma, reclaim our inner strength, and begin to live authentically.

In this article, we’ll explore each role in the trauma cycle: the victim who remains trapped, the villain who externalizes pain onto others, and the hero who transforms their pain into a tool for growth and service. By unpacking each role, we’ll learn how to recognize these patterns within ourselves and find our way toward the path of the hero.

1. The Victim: Trapped by Trauma’s Comforting Chains

The role of the victim in the trauma cycle often carries a paradox. On one hand, they feel genuinely hurt and overwhelmed by what happened to them, often replaying the trauma over and over. On the other hand, they find subtle, subconscious benefits—known as “secondary gains”—in their suffering. These secondary gains might come in the form of support, sympathy, or even a feeling of importance or validation from others, which can activate the brain’s reward system.

These rewards reinforce the role, making it hard to let go of the “victim” identity. The support and validation received can become an emotional crutch, leading them to avoid the harder work of facing their trauma head-on. According to psychologist John M. Grohol, “Secondary gains refer to those advantages that aren’t directly related to the core goal but provide side benefits.” In this case, the attention and support can serve as motivation to remain in a place of suffering, even if unconsciously.

Practical Tip: For those feeling stuck in this role, start small. Try journaling to explore why you might be holding on to the victim identity. Ask yourself, “What benefits am I getting from this role?” This self-reflection is the first step toward freeing yourself from its grip.

2. The Villain: Projecting Pain as Protection

When trauma festers without a healthy outlet, it can fuel anger, resentment, and bitterness. In the trauma cycle, this emotional overload can cause some people to take on the role of the “villain”—lashing out and projecting their pain onto others. At the heart of this behavior lies the same unhealed trauma, but rather than internalize their suffering, villains deflect it outward, using their hurt as justification for hurting others.

Villains may view the world through a lens of distrust and cynicism, interpreting kindness as weakness and vulnerability as a threat. Rather than admit their pain, they choose to protect themselves by going on the offensive. The villain role allows them to avoid vulnerability, but it ultimately damages relationships and isolates them further. Clinical psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff suggests that “When we feel compassion for ourselves, we can also recognize that our suffering doesn’t make us any less deserving of kindness.” If the villain could learn to practice self-compassion, they could begin to dismantle the defensive walls around their pain.

Practical Tip: If you identify with the villain role, consider seeking support from a therapist trained in trauma work. Learning to recognize and release the pain that fuels anger can help shift destructive patterns. Start by practicing self-compassion exercises, such as listing three things you appreciate about yourself daily.

3. The Hero: Choosing Healing and Empowerment

Heroes in the trauma cycle are those who decide to confront their pain, dig deep, and work through the complex emotions involved in trauma. This isn’t an easy path, but it’s the one that leads to the most profound healing and growth. Heroes choose not to be defined by their trauma. They acknowledge the hurt, seek support, and gradually work through their wounds, emerging stronger and more resilient.

Heroes may go on to help others facing similar struggles. This empowerment often stems from a desire to turn their suffering into something meaningful, uplifting others through empathy and shared experience. Heroes embody the wisdom of psychiatrist Viktor Frankl: “In some ways, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning.” By choosing to be the hero, they find purpose in their pain, using it to create change.

Practical Tip: For those working to become the hero, setting small, manageable goals can make a big difference. Start with one simple action, such as reaching out to a friend or therapist, reading a book on trauma recovery, or practicing a mindfulness routine to process difficult emotions. The journey to becoming the hero begins with small steps.

4. Why We Fall Into These Roles – And How to Break Free

The roles of victim, villain, and hero arise from an innate need to make sense of our trauma and survive the emotional fallout. The human brain is wired to seek patterns and solutions, even if they aren’t always healthy. According to trauma expert Dr. Gabor Maté, “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” When we lack support or self-compassion, it’s natural to adopt roles as coping mechanisms.

To break free, it’s essential to develop self-awareness and understand that healing is an individual journey. Trauma-informed therapy, mindfulness practices, and self-reflection can all be valuable tools. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but with effort and patience, we can loosen the grip of these roles on our lives.

Practical Tip: Practice mindfulness by setting aside five minutes each day to tune in to your body and mind. Notice where you might be carrying stress or tension. This simple exercise can help increase self-awareness and guide you toward healthier responses.

5. Building a New Identity Beyond Trauma

One of the challenges of stepping out of the trauma cycle is building a new sense of self. When trauma defines us, it’s easy to rely on these roles as a sense of identity. But true healing happens when we realize we are more than our trauma. Building a life that feels authentic and fulfilling takes time, but it starts with small, intentional changes.

Seek out relationships, activities, and communities that support your healing journey. Whether it’s through creative pursuits, community work, or new hobbies, these choices can foster a stronger, healthier identity.

Practical Tip: Make a list of things you enjoy or have wanted to try. Dedicate some time each week to exploring these interests, helping you connect with a sense of purpose and joy beyond the trauma cycle.

6. Seeking Support: You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

Healing from trauma is challenging, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Therapists, support groups, and trusted friends can be invaluable sources of strength. They provide a compassionate perspective that can help you see your potential and break free from these roles. Reaching out for support is a brave step on the hero’s journey.

According to trauma specialist Dr. Judith Herman, “Recovery can take place only within the context of relationships; it cannot occur in isolation.” Finding a supportive community can make all the difference in building a new, healthy narrative for yourself.

Practical Tip: Consider finding a local or online support group dedicated to trauma recovery. Hearing others’ stories can help you feel less isolated and inspire you to keep moving forward.

Conclusion: Choosing the Hero Within

The roles of victim, villain, and hero are all responses to pain, each one attempting to shield us in its own way. But ultimately, only the hero’s path leads to true freedom. Choosing to work through trauma rather than be defined by it is a courageous and life-affirming decision. While it takes effort and dedication, becoming the hero in your own story is possible. It’s a journey of reclaiming power, building resilience, and, ultimately, finding meaning in the pain.

Remember, while the trauma cycle may shape your story, it doesn’t have to define your ending. Take heart, find your strength, and trust that each step forward, no matter how small, is one step closer to a life beyond the trauma.

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Embrace your inner strength: A light-hearted journey into recovery with White Tiger Counseling

Dr. Dace Tapley

Welcome to the Therapy Jungle: No Pills, Just Thrills!

Hey there, fellow explorer of the mind! Imagine you’re in a jungle, but instead of searching for elusive tigers, you’re on a quest to discover your inner strength. Welcome to the world of non-medication, in-person therapy! Here, we focus on empowering you to swing through life’s challenges with grace, using techniques like Solution-Focused Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and mindfulness. So grab your metaphorical machete and join us as we hack through the misconceptions about mental health treatment!

The Solution-Focused Safari: Finding Your Way with Therapy

First stop on our therapeutic tour is the land of Solution-Focused Therapy. Picture this: you’re in a safari jeep, binoculars in hand, looking for solutions rather than dwelling on problems. This approach is like having a GPS for your mind, guiding you towards your goals. Instead of getting stuck in the mud of past issues, we focus on the road ahead. It’s about identifying what works—and doing more of it!

With Solution-Focused Therapy, every session is a new adventure. Your therapist is like a trusty safari guide, asking the right questions to help you discover your path. “What’s your destination?” they might ask, and together, you’ll map out a route to get there. It’s a journey of discovery, filled with ‘aha’ moments and newfound strengths.

By focusing on solutions, you’ll build a bridge from where you are to where you want to be. And just like any great safari, it’s not just about the destination—it’s about the journey. So buckle up, because you’re in for a wild ride!

CBT: The Cognitive Jungle Gym

Next, we swing over to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT for short. Think of this as the jungle gym of therapy. It’s where you get to flex those mental muscles and build new ways of thinking. CBT is all about untangling those pesky thought vines that keep you stuck in negative patterns.

In the CBT jungle gym, you’ll learn to spot those sneaky cognitive distortions—like “all-or-nothing” thinking or catastrophizing—and replace them with more balanced thoughts. It’s like upgrading from a rusty old machete to a high-tech laser cutter for your mental jungle exploration.

Your therapist is your personal trainer in this mental gym, guiding you through exercises that strengthen your cognitive flexibility. With practice, you’ll be swinging from thought to thought with the agility of a monkey, confidently navigating life’s challenges with newfound clarity and resilience.

Mindfulness: Finding Zen Among the Zebras

As we continue our trek, we arrive at the serene savannah of mindfulness. In this tranquil oasis, you’ll learn to be present in the moment, finding peace amidst the chaos of the jungle. Mindfulness is like having a magical pair of binoculars that help you focus on the here and now, rather than getting lost in the thickets of the past or future.

Through mindfulness practices, you’ll discover how to observe your thoughts and emotions without getting tangled in them. It’s about being a curious observer of your own mind, like watching zebras graze without feeling the need to chase them. This practice helps you cultivate a sense of calm and acceptance, even when the jungle gets a little wild.

Whether it’s through meditation, deep breathing, or mindful movement, you’ll learn to find your center amidst the cacophony of life. And who knows? You might just find that the zebras have some lessons to teach you about balance and harmony.

Motivational Interviewing: The Gentle Nudge

Now, let’s pause for a moment and meet our friendly elephant in the room: Motivation. In the world of therapy, Motivational Interviewing is the gentle nudge that helps you move forward when you’re feeling stuck. It’s like having a wise old elephant whispering in your ear, encouraging you to take those first steps towards change.

Motivational Interviewing is all about exploring your reasons for change and strengthening your commitment. Your therapist becomes your cheerleader, helping you clarify your values and goals. It’s a collaborative dance, where you lead the way and your therapist provides the rhythm.

With Motivational Interviewing, you’ll discover the power of your own motivation—the fuel that drives you through the jungle of life. And as you tap into this inner reservoir, you’ll find that even the tallest mountains become conquerable hills.

Faith and Identity: The Compass of the Heart

As our journey continues, we delve into the deeper realms of faith and identity. Think of these as your inner compass, guiding you through the twists and turns of the jungle. Faith, whether spiritual or simply a belief in yourself, provides a sense of direction and purpose.

In therapy, exploring your identity is like piecing together a beautiful mosaic of who you are. It’s about understanding your values, strengths, and passions—the unique colors that make up your life’s masterpiece. Your therapist is there to hold the mirror, reflecting back the beauty and complexity of your true self.

Faith and identity work hand-in-hand, offering you a sense of belonging and meaning. As you navigate the jungle, you’ll find that having a clear sense of self is the guiding star that leads you through even the darkest nights.

In-Person Therapy: The Jungle Gathering

Now, let’s talk about the heart of our journey—in-person therapy. In a world dominated by screens and virtual connections, there’s something truly magical about sitting face-to-face with your therapist. It’s like gathering around a campfire in the heart of the jungle, sharing stories and insights in a space of warmth and connection.

In-person therapy offers a unique opportunity for deep, meaningful interactions. You can read body language, pick up on subtle cues, and experience the power of human connection in real-time. It’s a sacred space where you can freely express yourself and feel truly heard.

This face-to-face encounter fosters a sense of trust and safety, allowing you to explore the depths of your mind and heart. So, gather ’round the campfire, because in-person therapy is where the real magic happens.

The Humor of Healing: Laughter as a Therapeutic Tool

As we navigate the jungle of therapy, let’s not forget the power of laughter. Humor is like a refreshing stream that runs through the heart of the jungle, offering relief and perspective. It lightens the load and reminds us that healing doesn’t always have to be serious business.

In therapy, humor can be a powerful tool for breaking down barriers and creating a sense of ease. It helps you see your challenges from a different angle, like peering through the leaves to spot a hidden treasure. Your therapist, with their gentle wit and playful spirit, guides you to find the humor in even the most challenging situations.

Laughter is a universal language that connects us all, and in the therapeutic jungle, it’s a reminder that healing is a journey best taken with a light heart and a twinkle in the eye.

The Strength-Based Approach: Unleashing Your Inner Lion

At the core of our therapeutic adventure is the strength-based approach. This is where you unleash your inner lion, tapping into the courage and resilience that lie within. It’s about focusing on your strengths, not just your struggles, and using them as the foundation for growth.

In the strength-based jungle, your therapist is your ally, helping you uncover the hidden gems of your character. Together, you’ll explore your talents, skills, and passions—the building blocks of a fulfilling life. It’s a journey of empowerment, where you learn to roar with confidence and pride.

By embracing your strengths, you’ll find the courage to face any challenge the jungle throws your way. And as you stand tall like a lion, you’ll discover that your inner strength is a force to be reckoned with.

Navigating the Future: Building Your Jungle Path

As our journey through the therapeutic jungle draws to a close, it’s time to look towards the future. Therapy is not just about healing the past—it’s about building a path forward, one step at a time. With the skills and insights you’ve gained, you’re ready to carve out your own unique trail through the jungle of life.

Your therapist is your guide, helping you set goals and create a vision for the future. Together, you’ll map out your journey, equipped with the tools and strategies to overcome obstacles and seize opportunities. It’s a dynamic process, where you take the lead and your therapist provides the support and guidance you need.

As you navigate the future, remember that the jungle is ever-changing, and so are you. Embrace the adventure, trust your instincts, and know that you’re capable of achieving great things. With each step, you’re building a path that is uniquely yours—a testament to your strength, resilience, and courage.

Epilogue: The Call of the Jungle

And so, dear traveler, our journey through the therapeutic jungle comes to an end. But fear not, for the call of the jungle is always there, inviting you to continue exploring, growing, and evolving. Therapy is not a destination—it’s a lifelong adventure, filled with discovery and transformation.

As you step back into the world, carry with you the lessons learned and the strength uncovered. Embrace the challenges and savor the victories, for they are all part of the rich tapestry of life. And remember, you are never alone in the jungle—your therapist, your allies, and your inner strength are always there to guide you.

May your journey be filled with laughter, courage, and the unwavering belief in your ability to overcome anything that comes your way. The jungle awaits, and so does the extraordinary life that lies ahead. Happy exploring!

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The Power of Being Real: How Authenticity Shapes Meaningful Relationships

By Dr. Dace Tapley, DBH, MBA, LPC-S, NCC

Imagine trying to build a house without a solid foundation. No matter how beautiful the walls or decorations, if the base isn’t strong, the whole structure will crumble. The same goes for relationships. Authenticity forms the bedrock of strong, lasting connections, and the journey to being authentic with others starts with being real with yourself.

In this blog, we’ll explore why authenticity is crucial in relationships, why self-love is the starting point, and how to live more genuinely in your connections with others.

1. Self-Love: The Key to Healthy Relationships

Ever notice how hard it is to give to others when you’re running on empty? The same applies to love and acceptance. If you struggle to accept yourself, seeking validation from others won’t be enough to fill that gap. Authentic relationships start with self-love.

When you embrace your strengths and flaws, you show up with confidence and emotional stability, which are essential for building genuine connections. Research highlights that practicing self-compassion can boost emotional resilience and positively impact your relationships. As author and researcher Brené Brown explains, “Authenticity is a daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”

Practical Tip: Every day, take a few moments to list what you appreciate about yourself. This small habit can build your self-esteem over time and make you more open to authentic connections.

2. The Dangers of Pretending: Why Being Fake Backfires

Have you ever pretended to be someone you’re not, just to fit in? It might work temporarily, but maintaining a facade eventually leads to exhaustion. When you’re not being yourself, people connect with a version of you that isn’t real. In the long run, this can erode trust and make relationships feel shallow.

Psychological research shows that people who express themselves authentically experience better emotional well-being and deeper social bonds. In other words, when you’re true to yourself, you create space for real, lasting connections.

Practical Tip: Next time you’re tempted to say what you think someone wants to hear, pause and ask yourself, “Is this how I really feel?” By choosing honesty, you’ll build stronger, more trustworthy relationships.

3. Vulnerability: The Bridge to Trust

Many people view vulnerability as a weakness, but it’s actually one of the strongest tools for deepening relationships. Opening up about your fears, struggles, or imperfections allows others to see the real you and builds trust between you and them.

Brené Brown, an expert on vulnerability, says, “Vulnerability is about having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” Sharing your true self, even when it’s uncomfortable, strengthens emotional bonds and fosters a sense of trust that’s vital for authentic relationships.

Practical Tip: Start with small acts of vulnerability. Share something personal with someone you trust, and watch how it deepens your connection.

4. The Importance of Boundaries: Protecting Your Authenticity

Authenticity isn’t about sharing everything with everyone all the time. It’s about knowing who you are and setting healthy boundaries that protect your emotional well-being. Boundaries help maintain your sense of self and prevent people-pleasing behavior that often leads to resentment or burnout.

Research has shown that setting clear boundaries is critical for emotional health and helps create more honest, balanced relationships. When you respect your own limits, others will too, making space for authenticity on both sides.

Practical Tip: Identify your deal-breakers—whether in friendships, family relationships, or romantic partnerships. Knowing where you stand makes it easier to assert yourself when needed, protecting both your time and energy.

5. Inspiring Authenticity in Others

When you bring your authentic self to relationships, you invite others to do the same. Authenticity is contagious. Your honesty and openness encourage others to drop their guards, creating a more genuine environment where real connections can thrive.

According to studies, authentic interactions not only lead to deeper connections but also foster empathy and improved communication. By embracing your true self, you set a powerful example for those around you.

Practical Tip: Practice being authentic in every aspect of your life, whether in your friendships, at work, or even online. Consistency in showing up as your true self encourages others to follow suit.

6. Handling Rejection: The Price of Authenticity

One of the biggest challenges of being authentic is the fear of rejection. Not everyone will appreciate or accept the real you, but that’s a natural part of the process. Embracing authenticity means being okay with not pleasing everyone and recognizing that rejection often signals that a connection wasn’t meant to be.

Emma Watson once said, “I don’t want the fear of failure to stop me from doing what I really care about.” This mindset is essential for those practicing authenticity. Rejection doesn’t define your worth—it simply redirects you toward people who genuinely appreciate you for who you are.

Practical Tip: When faced with rejection, remind yourself that it’s not a reflection of your value. Instead, use it as an opportunity to reinforce your commitment to being true to yourself.

7. The Power of Consistency: Living Authentically Every Day

Authenticity isn’t a one-time decision. It’s a daily practice of showing up as your true self, even when it’s challenging. Over time, being consistently authentic helps deepen relationships and builds trust across all areas of your life.

As leadership expert Simon Sinek says, “Authenticity means that you say and do the things you actually believe.” The more you live by your values and beliefs, the more others will trust and respect you for who you are.

Practical Tip: At the end of each day, reflect on moments where you felt authentic and moments where you didn’t. This reflection will help you stay true to yourself as you move forward.

Conclusion: Building Strong Relationships Begins with You

Authentic relationships are built on a foundation of self-love, honesty, and vulnerability. By embracing who you are and allowing others to see the real you, you create deeper, more meaningful connections. Remember, not everyone will resonate with your true self, and that’s perfectly fine. What matters most is that the relationships you cultivate are based on trust, respect, and genuine connection.

So, take off the mask, embrace your uniqueness, and watch how authenticity transforms your relationships for the better.

Couris, J. (2020). Vulnerability: The Secret to Authentic Leadership Through the Pandemic. Journal of Healthcare Management, 65(4), 248-251.

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Understanding the Reward System in Relationships

Sep 05, 2024

By Dr. Dace Tapley, DBH, MBA, LPC, NCC

When two people meet who are attracted to each other, they trigger the neurotransmitter Oxytocin which stimulates pleasure in the brain to motivate continued pursuit. Oxytocin is responsible for what is often labeled as love and described by a series of physiologic behaviors and thoughts known as love bombing. It also causes a phenomena known as rose colored glasses or love is blind. During this six to 18 months of Oxytocin influence, we are operating in a honeymoon state where we are 100% focused on 80% of their good qualities while concurrently oblivious to the 20% qualities they don’t have or we wouldn’t like. During this time, in todays hookup culture, we are also engaging in early relationship touch (such as sex or making out) which also stimulates Dopamine and Endorphins, both of which stimulate the pleasure pathways and contribute to our state of love is blind or rose colored glasses. This can make it extremely difficult to be able to authentically get to know someone as we are inclined to listen more than than what and what we are watching is directed towards aspects of the other person that continues to stimulate the reward system in our brain. This is a bidirectional interaction. Oxytocin is an important part of the pair bonding process however due to early childhood experiences and/or inner child damage, it can be much easier to stimulate oxytocin in most individuals than it should be.  

As we bask in the euphoria of the honeymoon phase, it’s crucial to remember that this period, while beautiful, is not a true reflection of our partner or the relationship. The rose-tinted glasses that oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins provide can make us overlook potential red flags or areas of concern. This is where conscious effort and mindfulness come into play.

It’s essential to strive for a balance between enjoying the blissful early stages of a relationship and taking the time to genuinely know the other person. This doesn’t mean being overly critical or skeptical, but rather being aware of the chemical influences at play and making a conscious effort to see your partner as they are.

One way to do this is by engaging in deep, meaningful conversations that go beyond surface-level topics. Ask about their values, dreams, fears, and past experiences. Pay attention to how they respond, not just to the content of their answers, but also to their body language and tone. This can provide valuable insights into their personality and how they might behave in various situations.

Another strategy is to spend time with your partner in different settings and observe how they interact with others. This can give you a broader perspective on their behavior and help you see whether their actions align with the image you have of them during the honeymoon phase.

It’s also important to remember that everyone has flaws and areas for improvement. No one is perfect, and expecting your partner to be so can set you up for disappointment. Instead, focus on the qualities you admire in them and accept the rest as part of who they are.

In conclusion, while the honeymoon phase is a wonderful part of any relationship, it’s crucial not to get lost in it. By being mindful of the chemicals influencing your perception and making a conscious effort to get to know your partner, you can build a strong, lasting bond based on authenticity and mutual respect.

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Six Steps to becoming Successful in Life

By Dr. Dace Tapley, DBH, MBA, LPC, NCC

The six steps to making sustainable change in life

1: Personal responsibility

2: Fill your cup first

3: Only compete with yesterday’s version of you

4: Seek solutions not band-aids to deal with your problems

5: Always seek a silver lining or purpose in every situation you are in

6: Failures are a necessary step to success, don’t discount them or avoid them. 

Integrating these six steps into your life can indeed pave the way for sustainable change. But how exactly do we go about doing this? Here are some practical insights to help you get started.

First, let’s delve into personal responsibility. This crucial step is about taking ownership of your actions, reactions, and the trajectory of your life. It means acknowledging that you are the primary architect of your existence and that your happiness, success, and well-being are primarily your responsibility.

Practically, this could mean setting clear boundaries in your relationships, being accountable for your mistakes instead of blaming others, and proactively working towards your goals. Remember, personal responsibility is not about self-blame or beating yourself up when things go wrong. It’s about empowering yourself to make things right and to learn and grow from every experience.

Next, filling your cup first. This is about prioritizing self-care and ensuring that your needs are met before you attend to those of others. It’s not about being selfish but rather understanding that you can’t pour from an empty cup.

In practical terms, this could mean setting aside time each day for activities that rejuvenate you, saying no to demands on your time and energy that leave you feeling depleted, and seeking help and support when you need it.

When it comes to competing only with yesterday’s version of yourself, this is about focusing on personal growth and progress rather than comparing yourself to others. It’s about recognizing that everyone has their own journey and that the only person you have control over is yourself.

To apply this step in your life, try setting personal goals and tracking your progress over time. Celebrate your wins, no matter how small, and use setbacks as opportunities to learn and improve. Remember, the goal is not perfection but progress.

Seeking solutions instead of band-aids means addressing the root cause of your problems instead of just treating the symptoms. It’s about taking a holistic approach to problem-solving and understanding that lasting change requires addressing underlying issues.

In practice, this could mean investing time in understanding the root cause of a persistent issue, seeking professional help when needed, and being willing to try new strategies and approaches.

Finding a silver lining or purpose in every situation is about cultivating a resilient mindset and understanding that every experience, no matter how challenging, offers an opportunity for growth and learning. It’s about looking for the lessons and blessings hidden within adversity.

To apply this step, try practicing gratitude daily, focusing on the positive aspects of challenging situations, and seeking out the lessons and wisdom that can be gained from difficult experiences.

Finally, embracing failures as a necessary step to success. This is about understanding that failure is not a final destination but a stepping stone on the path to success. It’s about having the courage to take risks, learn from mistakes, and keep moving forward.

In practice, this could mean adopting a growth mindset, seeking feedback and learning from it, and being willing to step outside your comfort zone. Remember, every failure brings you one step closer to success.

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Understanding Anxiety at its Core

By Dr. Dace Tapley, DBH, MBA, LPC, NCC

When we dive deep into anxiety, it can be sourced from either a lack of confidence in a situation or activity and/or a hyper-fixation on elements outside of one’s control. When we understand these two sources of anxiety, we can then begin to resolve the source of anxiety as well as the maladaptive behaviors that reinforce the behavior. 

Confidence-based anxiety is the awkward or destructive feeling one gets when engaging in a situation or activity that we do not feel we are capable of handling. This could be a new job, new social situation, or new hobby or activity. People often articulate feeling a sense of imposter syndrome as they see others managing these aspects easily and begin to question themselves and their ability through comparison. 

Control-based anxiety is one ruminates or obsesses on a stress or a stimuli outside of their control to a point of feeling debilitated or paralyzed to take any action on the things or elements within their control. The things or elements inside of their control go untouched leading the person to feel a sense of regret, shame and guilt for not getting what was within their capability completed. This cycle continues as it destroys their self-worth and creates a sense of helplessness. 

Now that we have a good understanding of the two sources of anxiety, let’s explore some ways to address and overcome them. For confidence-based anxiety, the key lies in building your self-assurance and developing a growth mindset. It’s important to remember that it’s okay not to be an expert right away and that every skill can be improved over time. 

Here are some strategies you can use: 

1. Challenge negative self-talk. When you notice thoughts like “I can’t do this” or “I’m not good enough,” consciously replace them with positive affirmations, such as “I’m learning” or “I’m capable of growth.” 

2. Set realistic goals. Break down larger tasks into smaller, manageable steps, and celebrate your progress along the way. This will help you gradually build confidence in your abilities. 

3. Seek support and guidance. Don’t hesitate to ask for help or advice from others who have experience in the area you’re struggling with. A mentor or coach can provide valuable insights and encouragement. 

For control-based anxiety, the solution is learning to let go of the things you cannot control and focusing on what you can influence. Here are some techniques to help you do so: 

1. Practice mindfulness and acceptance. Recognize when you’re fixating on uncontrollable factors and gently redirect your attention to the present moment. Remind yourself that it’s okay not to have control over everything. 

2. Develop a routines and priorities. By establishing a clear structure for your day and focusing on your top priorities, you’ll be better equipped to handle unexpected challenges and stressors. 

3. Cultivate resilience. Embrace the fact that setbacks and failures are a natural part of life. Learn from your experiences and use them to become stronger and more adaptable. 

By understanding and addressing the roots of anxiety, you can break free from the cycle of fear and self-doubt. By focusing on building confidence and letting go of external pressures, you can cultivate a more balanced, resilient mindset. With consistent practice and dedication, you’ll be well on your way to living a more fulfilling and anxiety-free life.

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