Sep 05, 2024

By Dr. Dace Tapley, DBH, MBA, LPC, NCC

When two people meet who are attracted to each other, they trigger the neurotransmitter Oxytocin which stimulates pleasure in the brain to motivate continued pursuit. Oxytocin is responsible for what is often labeled as love and described by a series of physiologic behaviors and thoughts known as love bombing. It also causes a phenomena known as rose colored glasses or love is blind. During this six to 18 months of Oxytocin influence, we are operating in a honeymoon state where we are 100% focused on 80% of their good qualities while concurrently oblivious to the 20% qualities they don’t have or we wouldn’t like. During this time, in todays hookup culture, we are also engaging in early relationship touch (such as sex or making out) which also stimulates Dopamine and Endorphins, both of which stimulate the pleasure pathways and contribute to our state of love is blind or rose colored glasses. This can make it extremely difficult to be able to authentically get to know someone as we are inclined to listen more than than what and what we are watching is directed towards aspects of the other person that continues to stimulate the reward system in our brain. This is a bidirectional interaction. Oxytocin is an important part of the pair bonding process however due to early childhood experiences and/or inner child damage, it can be much easier to stimulate oxytocin in most individuals than it should be.  

As we bask in the euphoria of the honeymoon phase, it’s crucial to remember that this period, while beautiful, is not a true reflection of our partner or the relationship. The rose-tinted glasses that oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins provide can make us overlook potential red flags or areas of concern. This is where conscious effort and mindfulness come into play.

It’s essential to strive for a balance between enjoying the blissful early stages of a relationship and taking the time to genuinely know the other person. This doesn’t mean being overly critical or skeptical, but rather being aware of the chemical influences at play and making a conscious effort to see your partner as they are.

One way to do this is by engaging in deep, meaningful conversations that go beyond surface-level topics. Ask about their values, dreams, fears, and past experiences. Pay attention to how they respond, not just to the content of their answers, but also to their body language and tone. This can provide valuable insights into their personality and how they might behave in various situations.

Another strategy is to spend time with your partner in different settings and observe how they interact with others. This can give you a broader perspective on their behavior and help you see whether their actions align with the image you have of them during the honeymoon phase.

It’s also important to remember that everyone has flaws and areas for improvement. No one is perfect, and expecting your partner to be so can set you up for disappointment. Instead, focus on the qualities you admire in them and accept the rest as part of who they are.

In conclusion, while the honeymoon phase is a wonderful part of any relationship, it’s crucial not to get lost in it. By being mindful of the chemicals influencing your perception and making a conscious effort to get to know your partner, you can build a strong, lasting bond based on authenticity and mutual respect.